KCI The Anti_Meth Site

Addiction: leave your spouse, never leave your kids?

boys36	Addiction: leave your spouse, never leave your kids? This is going to seem crazy but I have been thinking about this for awhile and wanted to see what all of your opinions are about this. How come when it comes to addiction (of any kind) most people feel that you should never ever give up on your children but with the spouses it is a whole different story? The majority of advice seems to be IMO if its a child to never give up but when its a spouse the advice is to go, to run. I am wondering about this because I have both in my life. An addict daughter. An addict husband. (alcoholic) I am not going to give up on either of them but it kind of seems unfair to me that my daughter had to move out while in active addiction and my husband gets to stay. Does that make any sense?? I mean we made her move out because of her addiction and here I am sitting with my hubby day in and day out while he drinks and is in denial. This was just something that I want opinions on. Why do you think the advice is different pertaining to ones child and ones spouse? Cause our kids are our kids forever and men/women can come and go? Has anyone else dealt with an addict child and an addict spouse? Did you deal with both the same way? Different? Wondering what anyone else did in the same situation.
Replies...
Sfj	Re: Addiction: leave your spouse, never leave your kids? I think that it is the way you use, or define the phrase, "Give up on them." There are certainly many ways that phrase can be used, understood, misunderstood, abused, and defined. One cannot divorce a child. We all have different feelings and we use our feelings when we embrace definitions.
Loraura	Re: Addiction: leave your spouse, never leave your kids? We have the ability to chose who our spouses are. We do not have that choice about our children.
Tender heartsKS	Re: Addiction: leave your spouse, never leave your kids? *Quote:* I mean we made her move out because of her addiction and here I am sitting with my hubby day in and day out while he drinks and is in denial. I guess my question to you is, why make the daughter move out while the hubby gets to stay? Not trying to be judgmental, but trying to understand your choices. In my mind, especially being a recovering addict myself, I can't help but wonder what effect or feelings has that created in your daughter? It seems like a double standard to me. I left my addict ex-hubby. I had to, for my own recovery. My oldest daughter was told to hit the door years later, so I can't put the two together in the same time frame as she was only 8 when I left my ex. I still pray for my oldest. I also still chose not to have an addict/alcoholic for a significant other. I have to remain consistent in my own recovery. Does that make any sense?
Sfj	Re: Addiction: leave your spouse, never leave your kids? I'm not certain, but this whole thread seems a bit off topic to me, but since we don't have a real OT forum anymore, I'll jump in and see what happens. I admit that my case may be the exception on this forum, but I don't think it is an exception for the American population. Please inform me if I'm incorrect. I married a wife, and made a vow to stay with her till one of us dies. I also know that half of the married people get divorced. Any comments on that? I have four kids that are still living. The older two left home when they were teens. I think Karie was about eighteen and Robert was younger but he went into the army. My two younger boys are still at home. They are twenty-five and twenty-six. Now then, my question is, "How old do they have to be before I kick them out?" This whole notion of kicking people out is perplexing to me. I see wives wanting to kick out their husbands on this forum. I see husbands wanting to kick out wives. Parents wanting to kick out children and on and on it goes. The whole world seems hell-bent on controlling others. I guess I'm missing something in life. I and my family members actually like each other. Are we freaks?
sierra nights	Re: Addiction: leave your spouse, never leave your kids? *Quote:* This whole notion of kicking people out is perplexing to me. Yep, me too. I was welcome to stay at home as long as I wanted to. I also had the freedom to leave when I wanted. Same with my son. Now I did leave my home. It was/is absolutely heartbreaking to me to see my son high. The sores, the behavior, the coming down. He gets so thin when he does it for a long time. It was most painful. I cried way to much. *Quote:* I and my family members actually like each other. Us too. See, I do like my son and he likes his mommy. We talk, we laugh and we have even cried together. He does what he does. I cannot control that. He is an adult. Alls I can do is try to show him how it's hurting him. And hurting him it is. One the other hand, I'm thinking I would not put up with some of the things I've read here that wives do put up with. I can't say for certain but I can't see me doing it. But then again I do believe in vows. I do believe they are to be took seriously. I see a lot of encouraging people to leave their spouses. Can't say that I really agree with that. I'm thinking there is no "one size fits all" here. We are all different. Different tolerance levels. I guess you do what you have to. I don't know. That's why this is a good place. Most likely you going to find somebody here that has been where you are right now. Oh and off topic Sfj? I actually thought it was a pretty good question. Seems to be about dealing with meth to me.
Sfj	Re: Addiction: leave your spouse, never leave your kids? To sierranights, Thanks for the post. I like what you said. I often use the phrase, "meth gets too much credit." If it were all the fault of meth, my family would have been dissolved long ago. I'm just as convinced as ever that the problems are much deeper than meth addiction, but people avoid the real problems and focus on meth addiction. Not that meth addiction isn't a real problem, because it certainly is. But when the other problems are ignored, and meth is the only focus of attention, meth comes out the winner. "Meth gets too much credit."
never ending	Re: Addiction: leave your spouse, never leave your kids? SFJ you said: "I see wives wanting to kick out their husbands on this forum. I see husbands wanting to kick out wives. Parents wanting to kick out children and on and on it goes. The whole world seems hell-bent on controlling others." Maybe I am reading this incorrectly, but because I choose to not live w/ a drug addict I am controlling him? Because I choose not to live w/ a drug addict that is sometimes in recovery and sometimes not that I am controlling him? And yes, I did have mine kicked out. Why the hell should I have to uproot myself and kids? I look at it that I am controlling my own life and serenity.
Sfj	Re: Addiction: leave your spouse, never leave your kids? To neverending, Right, and for you, that is how it is. About half of America agrees with you.
sierra nights	Re: Addiction: leave your spouse, never leave your kids? Sfj, thanking you, blushes I do have to agree with you that meth does get way, way to much credit. My son has issues that he refuses to deal with. I know this. Bury it with the drug. That, in my opinion, is what he is doing. If I could get him to get professional help and face life on life's terms, he just might not want to do meth anymore. See, I'm thinking it's a whole lot the underlying issues in our lives. Not all the drug. If one does have to leave, then so be it. I very firmly believe you do what you have to do to survive. I wish I had a pocket full of answers to all this but I sure don't. Hopefully, together, we'll figure it out.
boys36	Re: Addiction: leave your spouse, never leave your kids? In answer to your question Tenderheart about why my hubby is staying and my daughter had to go............... The house we are living in was bought and paid for by my husband long before we were married. It is NOT community property. I can't make him move out of his home that he bought and paid for before I was even in the picture. So it would be me that would have to leave.........not him. I am not ready to do this .......at all. I guess that is the reason he stays and she goes if that makes any sense??? How many of you here are dealing with an addict spouse and an addict child ?? Just curious.
scared mom	Re: Addiction: leave your spouse, never leave your kids? I love my boys and would have them close or at home forever BUT there are rules in our home. One rule is no drugs. Rules are good, consciences are good. You can not live in my house and do drugs. So if one of my children decide to do drugs then they are making the decision not to live here. I guess that is how I look at it. I am glad currently my boys are not doing drugs. One is at home and one is on his own.
boys36	Re: Addiction: leave your spouse, never leave your kids? I think I am just feeling a little resentful that my hubby could see my daughters addiction and he cant see his own. When he sits there and drinks a 12 pack at a time and talks about my daughter being addicted to drugs it makes me ill. Kettle calling the pot black. It is very hard having a daughter and a spouse as an addict. The relationships are so different that the solutions cant be the same. I cant come up with the solution anyway cause that is something they have to do ....for themselves. I think I am still with my hubby because of the mind set I had with my daughter. They are both someone I love. Leaving them doesn't seem a possibility. Either of them.. I guess sometimes I feel like addiction is a disease and if my hubby was diagnosed with terminal cancer I couldn't walk away .No more than I could walk away from my daughter. I am rambling now..............
lax2	Re: Addiction: leave your spouse, never leave your kids? So Sfj, I am confused ... are you saying that if your son was shooting up meth or smoking it in the house you wouldn't have a problem with it. Would you set a rule as to whether he was permitted to use drugs in the house. Would you kick him out if he continued to use meth in the house? What if he only used it in the back yard? Would this be enabling his use? Are you in favor of enabling? I'm just curious as to your opinions on this subject...Don't in any way take offense, I think you are a great parent. I think your kids are fortunate to have a Dad whom they can talk to about anything. I know you love your kids unconditionally.
silly veronica	Re: Addiction: leave your spouse, never leave your kids? *Quote:* BUT there are rules in our home. One rule is no drugs. Rules are good, consequences are good. You cannot live in my house and do drugs. So if one of my children decide to do drugs then they are making the decision not to live here. I agree with this 100% - regardless of whether it's your spouse or your child. SFJ - I feel like you get too bent on the whole divorce issue - you're against it, and that's okay. Do I feel like some people get married and divorced for the wrong reasons, yes. But what about the rest of us? Is divorce EVER okay in your eyes? It's okay to expect someone to stay in a marriage because of vows when there is drug use? Or verbal abuse? Or physical abuse? Divorce isn't always right ... but it isn't always wrong either, and I get the feeling that's what you're trying to portray. I give your wife credit because if she lived through HALF the hell I've lived through, then I have NO IDEA how she was able to stay sane and keep the marriage going ... I truthfully don't. I don't feel bad, not one single bit, for kicking my addict out. You don't get to behave like that, continue to lie and hurt people, betray people's trust, cheat and whatever else you want to do and still get to stay in a nice, warm bed at night with food on the table for your meals and everyone else taking care of you. You just don't. Again, MY situation.
Sfj	Re: Addiction: leave your spouse, never leave your kids? To sillyveronica, I 'll answer part of your questions. My other answers would be too boring. Yes, of course, sometimes divorce is indicated. What would you think If i told you I've been married four times and divorced three times? That's a fact. Two of the divorces were entirely my fault. IMHO. But sillyveronica, let me tell you why I post these "controversial opinions." It's to get people to talk to one another. Have you ever noticed how the "drama" threads get all the action in most cases? I'm not trying to create undo drama, just trying to get people talking. And some people won't say anything until they get annoyed, irritated, or emotionally upset in one way or another. Marymary1 has a good supply of worm cans that I've been borrowing !